a little bit of living a little bit of growing all adds up to you

Please excuse this moment of self-indulgence/reflection. And feel free to comment if you see something that I don’t see about myself.

As you all know, I’m deathly afraid of getting old. If you listen to me babble instead of just tuning me out, the way one should, you’d hear me say things like “It’s a good thing I’m not a librarian, because then I’d be a spinster librarian.” (This is apparently the worst fate imaginable for moral women, as seen in It’s a Wonderful Life.) But, according to my elders, I have no idea what old is.

And I thought I did a pretty good job of growing up in recent years past. But apparently I’m still changing. And I’m very confused by this.

Starting in first or second grade I was a shy, shy, SHY, child. When called upon in class I would barely speak loud enough for the teacher to hear me. I don’t know why I was this way, I was a smart kid and was reading well above my grade level. Things continued on this way for quite a while. I blame this and my predisposition to this day to not talk to strangers on my upbringing. Everyone always says “don’t talk to strangers,” but no one tells you when it’s okay to talk. I also realize, I’m a bit of a snob, and really, the unwashed masses are not for me

So, like a reasonable person, as I grew up I realized talking in class is no big deal. When it got to high school and college and intelligent class participation was being graded, I tried to say something worthwhile every meeting. But still, I hated fighting for the spotlight, and often kept my comments to myself. My senior seminar prof., often called on me because he said he could see my gears spinning, but I wasn’t saying anything. This was good for me, because it was a legitimate to change the subject without having to do it myself and seem like a jerk. I didn’t have many presentations in college, but I never really minded them, they were mostly a lot easier than typing out 15 pages on Jane Austen (bleh!).

So, flash forward to 2004. I start library school convinced that I’m way out of my league, and will be surrounded by so many older and more experienced people. But my first semester turns out to be easy, and I realize I’m totally in my league. It’s a little lonely not going to class and all, but that’s how everyone else is too

And Spring 2005 I have a class that actually meets almost every other week. The prof is great, and Finally we’re getting to know the people we have class with. Class participation is a big part of the grade, and I’m really happy to participate. We talk about things I care about and I make valid points. I take him again for the summer, and am also very happy, and chatty.

That brings me to now. I’m taking business reference and it’s making me think about things I don’t usually think about, and I’m starting to catch on to some financial things that were a complete mystery to me before. On the 3rd week of the semester we had to give a group presentation. As it turns out, librarians hate presenting, and my cavalier attitude toward public speaking will take me far. Not only that, but I totally kicked ass, and was actually complimented by 2 other students who weren’t in my group. My attitude toward public speaking is as informal as I can get away with. Since the assignment was to pretend we were presenting to undergrads, informal was my friend. I ended up cracking jokes on the spot, and they were actually well received. The class is actually really easily graded, but since I’m pushing myself, I’m getting a fair amount out of it.

My other class is not so cool, I knew I shouldn’t be taking it, I didn’t even pick it as one of my top choices. But I let other people tell me how much this class changed their life and thought it might be worth while. I’m never listening to other people again. I think there’s a generation gap or something.

I could write another post on all the reasons why the class is so retarded. But I’ll stick to how it affects me. Me, the shy 7 year old who wouldn’t speak loud enough to be heard from across the room has grown into, as Lydia so kindly noted, the class smart-ass. I don’t want to be the class smart ass. I’m mostly trying to find some kind of fulfillment. And I’ve decided the professor hates me because I keep asking legitimate questions about the future of databases, and she will only respond kindly to functional questions. Also, I had the audacity to point out a mistake (lie not just a typo) in the book, and instead of treating this legitimately, she goes on a 3 paragraph tangent on how great the book is. We get graded on discussion board participation, yet there is no meaningful conversation, just functional questions about punctuation and syntax. Because that’s what the class is, in depth on how to use current databases today, even though it’s likely they won’t stay in their current form for very long.

So, friends, when did this happen? How did sweet, innocent me, who more than anything, knows how to keep her mouth shut, become the smart ass? (I'm sure it involved you boys, somehow. So thanks (not entirely sure if the thanks is sarcastic or not)) I'm no longer shy. But I'm still reserved. Unless I'm just reserved by habit, and really I'm not. I am confused.

I think the words of Peter Brady are in order here:

Autumn turns to winter and then winter turns to spring,
its not just a season to know its goes for everything.
clouds can turn to rain and then it just might snow
You gotta take lesson from mother nature and if you do you'll know.

[chorus]
Well its time to change
then its time to change
move by the time come along for the ride, don’t you see
when its time to change you've got to rearrange
move your heart to what your gonna be.
sha na na na na na na sha na na na na na

day by day its hard to see the changes you've been through
a little bit of living a little bit of growing all adds up to you
every boys a man inside
a girls a women too
and if you wanna reach your destiny its what you've got to do

[chorus]
Well its time to change
when its time to change you've got to rearrange
move your heart to what your’re gonna be.
sha na na na na na na na, sha na na na